Blocked, Part Five: An Unlit Candle

[Amarea]

If sheer willpower were the only prerequisite to channeling saidar, Amarea would have lit her whole room on fire hours before Last sounded. Instead, the candle before her remained frustratingly cool to the touch.

The young novice had not been able to break through her wilder block yet. At first, Amarea had been overjoyed to learn the precise parameters of her block. Her lessons with Aelrena Sedai, and the texts she had loaned Amarea on theory about blocks and historical accounts of how other wilders had been able to break theirs, had been invaluable. She had learned that she could touch the Source and weave the One Power, and see weaves being formed around her, only when standing within three paces of a source of water sufficiently large to put out a small campire. On most days, carrying around a full bucket of water, though embarrassing, would suffice to allow her to channel. However, if she saw fire, especially larger fires or uncontrolled flames, the volume of water she needed on hand to successfully weave became prohibitively large.

Chloro Sedai had met with Amarea the previous night, and had given the novice a task to light a candle and to study its flame, with a goal of familiarizing herself with the fire in hopes of gaining a sense of comfort around it. For most of the day, Amarea had been sitting with her head resting on her hands, staring into the flame. It had frightened her at first, but as the day stretched on, fear transitioned to boredom. Later in the day, between Full and Last sounding -- with close supervision from an Accepted, of course -- she had transitioned to attempting to light the candle with the One Power.

The exercise was a practice in futility, of course, for Amarea was trying desperately to light the candle while her bucket of water was on the opposite side of the room in which she was sitting. Without the safety of the water within arm's reach, no amount of time spent completing novice calming exercises could help her bridge the gap to touch the True Source. No matter how hard she tried, saidar eluded her. Until she could learn how to break the block, she was stymied in this line of studies.

The problem rankled Amarea. As the oldest of seven children, she had learned from an early age, sooner than most, that sometimes life was not fair, and that she could be called on to do something that felt beyond her abilities. And whether it was learning how to bake, or teaching her younger siblings arithmetic and reading, at some point, Amarea had learned how to overcome these obstacles because other people depended on her. She hated feeling as if she were failing, even if that failure let herself down and not others.

As Amarea lay in the dark of her room, she found herself unable to sleep, restlessly turning and reflecting back to her first few days in the White Tower. The adjustment to doing chores, physical labor in particular, had gone very smoothly and painlessly. But the thrill of learning she had the potential to channel had rapidly transitioned to frustration and regret when she realized that all the potential in the world meant nothing if she was so blocked at actually chanelling.

Amarea reflected on those first few days, and how she had spent most of them hiding in closets crying between lessons. She had especially avoided the lessons with Sheriam Sedai on channeling, so she could avoid feeling like a failure and giving Sheriam a reason to change her mind on letting Amarea live and train in the White Tower.

But the Aes Sedai had outmatched Amarea in both wits and stubbornness. Several sisters had met with her, each with her own personal agenda and style, but in a way that had slowly drawn Amarea out of her shell and begun the process of breaking down the walls she had worked so hard to erect over the years. And they were still eroding at her need for constant reassurance, and instead beginning to place the bricks that would make the foundation of a strong Aes Sedai. Now, Sheriam had proudly shared that she believed Amarea was unusually strong with Earth and may even have a Talent or two related to weaves that emphasize flows from that element.

If someone had asked Amarea those first few days what she had enjoyed the most about her training in the Tower -- and at least one Aes Sedai did in fact ask her this very question -- it would have been the free and unrestricted access to food. After five years of her family barely making ends meet, going to bed without feeling hungry was the most precious gift the Aes Sedai did not even realize they had given her.

But over the past few weeks, Amarea had started getting gently scolded while reshelving books, because on more than one occasion she had stopped to read what she was shelving, and she had fallen behind in her chores at times due to reading. Beyond lessons on arithmetic, reading, and writing, which she had received from homeschooling but now had in earnest, she had started lessons on the basics of the Old Tongue, maps and stories of nations long dead, and the philosophical nature of the One Power and the Wheel of Time itself. Amarea was drinking in the information like a drowning sailor gulping in air.

Lying in bed, reflecting on how she had grown over the past few weeks, Amarea felt a sudden pang of guilt. In all her time thinking today about Chloro Sedai's task, and then trying to channel through her block, she hadn't once thought about her family back in Lugard. She missed her brothers and sisters, but the thirst to learn had won out over the guilt.

Amarea frowned, lying on her narrow cot as she heard Second Law briefly chiming deep in the belly of the White Tower, and asked herself: Who was she now, really? And more importantly, who did she want to become?

[Catisune]

I enjoyed this little narrative immensely. I am awarding Amarea 2 rpqps for content and an additional 1 rpqp for its serial nature. See any silver-haired Aes Sedai to 'receive' your reward.